Dr. Darnell A. Durrah

When was the last time you stopped to consider how you handle emotions—not just yours, but those of the people around you? As men, we’re often conditioned to believe that emotions should be controlled, minimized, or even ignored. We’re taught to be logical, strong, and unaffected. But here’s the truth: emotional intelligence (EQ) isn’t a weakness—it’s a superpower.

This is Blog #3 in my 20-part series on the challenges men face—real conversations about the struggles we don’t always talk about. Today, we’re diving into emotional intelligence (EQ)—what it is, why it matters, and how improving it can strengthen every area of our lives.

Men, Emotions, and the Communication Gap

Research consistently shows that men struggle with emotional expression more than women. A study published in The Journal of Social Psychology found that men are less likely to openly discuss their emotions, particularly feelings of sadness or vulnerability, due to societal expectations of masculinity. Additionally, research in Emotion Review highlights that boys as young as four years old begin to receive cultural messages that discourage them from expressing certain emotions.

This has a lasting impact:

• Difficulty Expressing Feelings – Many men default to anger or silence instead of openly processing sadness, disappointment, or anxiety.
• Strained Relationships – Whether with a partner, kids, or colleagues, low emotional intelligence can create misunderstandings and distance.
• Poor Stress Management – Without healthy outlets for emotions, men are more likely to internalize stress, which can lead to burnout, anxiety, and even physical health problems.

What Exactly Is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your emotions while also being aware of how they affect others. According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, EQ has five key components:

1. Self-Awareness – Understanding your emotions and how they influence your thoughts and behavior.
2. Self-Regulation – Managing your emotions effectively instead of letting them control you.
3. Motivation – Using emotions to drive positive action rather than becoming overwhelmed by them.
4. Empathy – Recognizing and understanding the emotions of others.
5. Social Skills – Communicating effectively and managing interpersonal relationships in a meaningful way.

How to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

If this is something you’ve struggled with, you’re not alone—I’ve been there, too. Learning how to better navigate emotions, both my own and those of the people around me, has been a process. It’s not about being overly emotional; it’s about learning to use emotions wisely rather than letting them use you.

Here are six practical strategies for improving emotional intelligence:

1. Identify and Name Your Emotions

Instead of just saying, “I’m fine” or defaulting to frustration, practice identifying what you actually feel. Are you overwhelmed? Disappointed? Worried? The more specific you can be, the better you can address those emotions productively.

2. Pause Before Reacting

Many men are conditioned to react quickly—whether in arguments, tough situations, or conflicts at work. Instead of responding immediately, take a few seconds to pause, breathe, and assess. This short delay helps prevent emotional outbursts and leads to clearer communication.

3. Learn the Difference Between Feeling and Action

Feeling anger doesn’t mean you have to lash out. Feeling sadness doesn’t mean you have to isolate. Your emotions are valid, but they don’t have to dictate your behavior. Learn to separate the two.

4. Improve Your Listening Skills

Many men listen to respond rather than listening to understand. Try this: when someone is speaking, focus fully on what they’re saying before formulating your response. Ask follow-up questions instead of rushing to give advice or solutions.

5. Build Empathy by Asking Yourself One Question

When dealing with conflict or frustration with someone, ask: “How would I feel if I were in their shoes?” Developing empathy doesn’t mean agreeing with everyone—it means understanding different perspectives and responding with emotional maturity.

6. Strengthen Your Support System

Emotional intelligence grows when you have people around you who encourage self-reflection and honest conversations. Surround yourself with friends, mentors, or even a therapist who challenge you to be better.

Why This Matters for Men (and How Therapy Helps)

I know firsthand how tough it can be to unlearn old habits and build healthier ones. As men, we’ve often been given tools for success (education, career skills, leadership training) but rarely tools for emotional well-being. That’s why I became a psychologist—to give men, especially men of color, more options when seeking support.

I understand the hesitation that comes with seeking therapy. It’s not about being broken—it’s about growth. Whether you reach out to me or someone else, know that there are spaces where you can develop the emotional intelligence needed to navigate relationships, fatherhood, leadership, and everyday life.

Stay Connected – More to Come!

This journey is just beginning. In the next post, we’ll discuss “Fatherhood in the Modern Age: Showing Up Beyond Provision.”

If this resonated with you, share it with a friend. And if you’re ready to invest in yourself, therapy is an option. Let’s break the cycle and redefine what strength looks like.

#MensMentalHealth #EmotionalIntelligence #StrongMenAskForHelp #BreakingTheStigma #SelfGrowth #MenSupportingMen #AuthenticManhood #LeadershipAndIdentity #HealthyMasculinity #DrDHope