Tag: fatherhood

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Reflections on Fatherhood and the Value of Time

As June ends, so does my month-long focus on fatherhood. I want to end with thoughts on two key lessons I have learned over the years: the importance of passion and the value of time. These insights have profoundly shaped my understanding of fatherhood and living my best life.

I did not truly start living my best life until I embraced what I was enthusiastic about. Passion drives us, gives us purpose, and brings fulfillment. The second lesson is recognizing that time is precious, and wasting it is something I will always regret. I have learned to value my time and make the most of every moment.

In April 2008, I officially became a father. My son, who many say looks just like me, brought a new perspective on life. Before becoming a biological father, I was always focused and determined, but not always for the right reasons or aligned with what God had in store for me. I am not a priest or religious leader; I am a sinner trying to do better each day. Some can attest that my focus and determination did not always lead to fruitful outcomes or benefit others emotionally. Thank the Lord for deliverance.

Since 1993, I knew I wanted to work with others in some capacity. I had no idea this path would lead to a doctorate degree and becoming a licensed psychologist. In middle school, my passion was being a good student, excelling in math, and playing youth sports. I fell in love with football in elementary school, and playing for the Compton Oilers taught me the value of teamwork and selflessness.

In high school, football remained my passion, and I discovered my love for math. I was not a five-star recruit, but I held my own on the field, averaging well over ten tackles a game my senior year. I realized defense in football was a game of angles, and I often thought about geometry while playing. This analytical mindset, though beneficial, also led me to overthink, particularly in relationships.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

People often mistake passion for emotion. I see them as distinct. Passion is a driving force, while emotion is a response. Some people have told me I can come across as cold or even an asshole. Usually, this happens when I am direct about something they failed to do, or I exclude them from getting something done. I also ask probing questions to understand their true feelings and behaviors.

The second crucial lesson is the value of time. Time does not wait for anyone. It keeps moving, regardless of whether we are ready. I often reflect on my teenage years when I took time for granted, eagerly awaiting adulthood. Now, I see the responsibilities and complexities that come with it.

As a psychologist, I have the honor of collaborating with individuals who recognize the need for change and seek treatment to live their best lives. It is humbling and exciting to see patients decide to stop wasting time in unproductive mental, emotional, or spiritual states. Unfortunately, many people outside of therapy continue to waste time because they avoid facing their discomfort. In contrast, one of the most life-enriching activities I have done is becoming comfortable addressing and challenging my own discomfort. I do not share space with those unwilling to do the same. It is challenging but necessary.

Reflecting on fatherhood, I realize I have not explicitly mentioned it in terms of passion and time. Sometimes, not speaking directly about something can be just as powerful. My priorities are my faith, my children, caring for my mother with dementia, and my professional career. With all I have going on, I do not have time to worry about things beyond my control. My passion lies in caring for my children and supporting my mother, and I am emotionally connected to my career and profession.

In closing, I want to share my latest passion: my podcast, “The Daddy Durock Show.” People often ask how I manage everything, and my answer is simple: you make time for what you’re passionate about. If you have not listened to it yet, I highly recommend it. I would love to hear your thoughts. I am on about every streaming platform out there. Additionally, I have started my private practice in preparation for transitioning out of the military in a few years. I am currently providing psychological services in the states where I am licensed and expanding nationwide. I am excited about what the future holds and want to make time to be involved in my teenagers’ lives. My daughter is fourteen, and my son is sixteen, so my involvement includes being their ride-share service and financial support until my son gets his driver’s license.

Thank you for joining me on this journey through fatherhood and the valuable lessons I have learned.

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Celebrating Father Figures: My Personal Journey

As I continue to highlight Fatherhood Awareness Month, I truly want to thank those who have read the initial blog. In fact, if you’ve read any of my blogs, I appreciate it. As a new blogger, I do not have many followers; however, I’m okay with that. When asked why I am interested in blogging, my response was simple:

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Me with Noah and Naomi completed an escape room challenge!

1. It’s therapeutic for me.

2. It fulfills my desire to be transparent as I continue to brand myself as a psychologist venturing into private practice.

3. It creates a positive and authentic online presence.

4. I know I’m not alone, and I want others to see they aren’t either.

The Challenges and Triumphs of Fatherhood

Just recently, my 14-year-old daughter has been, as her generation would say, “standing on her business.” Like most times, I usually have no idea what I did to upset her. To address her actions, I activated my trusted circle of support and eventually called her cell phone carrier to temporarily suspend her line. Additionally, she had to remain in the house for 24 hours. This, of course, did not go over well. It took a few hours for her to understand that her consequence had an end, but it would not start until she stopped the defense attorney-style interrogation. She is a gifted student-athlete, and she has the makings of an amazing lawyer. She often requires me to second-guess myself.

She still makes that face in order to get what she wants. I love this girl!

My 16-year-old son, who can be rather quiet, at least around his father, was hungry as we were returning from his hair appointment. Instead of stopping at a fast-food restaurant, I took the opportunity for some alone time at a locally owned family-run restaurant. Initially, he didn’t want to get out of the vehicle because he didn’t want to eat there. I informed him that the next stop would be home, so he came in. Despite his initial resistance, he came around. We had a good conversation, good food, and then he drove us home from there as he’s in the stage of learning to drive.

Noah and I smiling together! Now, as teenager, he mostly smiles around his friends.

Fatherhood is more than posting about positive accolades, either academically or athletically. It’s more than birthday parties and significant events like graduations, homecoming, prom, or other club-related activities. Fatherhood, to me, is a process of a desire to inspire the minds, hearts, and souls of young people to be the best versions of themselves. In order for this to occur, I firmly believe that father figures should be striving to be the best versions of themselves—mind, body, and spirit. Along my journey, two books helped me recondition how to see myself mentally and emotionally:

1. Measure of a Man by Gene Getz: This book focuses on manhood from a Christian perspective.

2. The Will to Change by the late Bell Hooks: This phenomenal read challenged my thought process within relationships with myself and others. Since reading this book, I have often gifted it to other men, and it has never disappointed.

Honoring Influential Father Figures

This blog highlights the men in my life who have shaped me into who I am today.

Pastor Raymond LeBlanc

The first is the man who baptized me when I was in the 7th grade, the late Pastor Raymond LeBlanc, founder of First Lutheran Church of Carson. First Lutheran was my grandparents’ (Leoma and Melvin Shephard) home church. Legend has it they started in the pastor’s garage before buying the land where the church still stands today. Pastor LeBlanc was a forward-thinking man with the ability to connect with people from all walks of life. Those in the congregation came from all over the South Bay to attend this church.

Pastor LeBlanc at my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary!

Pastor LeBlanc had a significant influence on my pre-teen years. Although I don’t think I was a bad kid, I was certainly strong-willed. Adults would often bring the pastor around to help me understand what I needed to do. Even when we went on outings, for some reason, I had to be with Pastor LeBlanc. He was fair, firm, and consistent. I remained in close contact with him even after I left for college. The last time I saw Pastor LeBlanc was when I was attending Marquette for my doctorate degree in psychology. Pastor had since retired but was still helping other pastors. He came to Milwaukee to preach, and I made sure to be there. Pastor LeBlanc truly impacted my fatherhood journey.

Coach Lalo Mendoza

As an adolescent male growing up in Compton, I had several life-changing decisions to make. Graduating from Vanguard Middle School, my neighborhood school was the Big Ten, Centennial Apaches, located on the corner of El Segundo and Central. Trust me, I am from Compton. My father attended Verbum Dei High School, an all-boys school in Watts, and I had my reservations initially. However, this was the best decision for me. At Verb, I met a man who never had biological children but was a father figure for so many—Coach Lalo Mendoza (Coach Lo).

Coach Lo, myself, and Kenechi Udeze at the National Football Foundation College Hall of Fame, 36th Annual Scholar Athlete Awards Banquet.

Coach Lo was a special human being and truly God-sent. My parents eventually split for good while I was in high school, and Coach Lo never let me skip a beat or a tuition payment. Between him and Coach Maxwell (RIP), I never had to worry about a ride, something to eat, or how I was going to pay for my books. Coach Lo saw something in me early on. I was blessed to be a captain of the JV football team and eventually as a senior on the Varsity team. He taught me that leadership is not so much about what you can do immediately for an individual but how you can help others be better to help others.

At Coach Lo’s funeral last summer, I finally thanked Mr. Hardy Nickerson, a former NFL all-pro and Verbum Dei alum, for his generosity with time and finances, which allowed me to stay at Verb. This is why I now give financially to certain charity organizations. Despite graduating and heading to Tuskegee University for my undergraduate studies, I remained in contact with Coach Lo. When it was free nights and weekends and I was traveling back and forth from California, I spent hours talking to Coach Lo to stay awake. I miss those conversations.

Conclusion

As I end this blog, I wanted to highlight two men who have shaped my beliefs about fatherhood. I would love to hear your thoughts. To highlight the role that fathers and father figures have had, please join me in the conversation. Please like, comment, and share this post. It would mean a lot!

Until the next blog! – Dr. D, a psychologist, just learning how to be a better father or father figure daily!

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June is for Fathers: Celebrating Fatherhood and Its Impact

The Importance of Fatherhood: Reflections and Insights

Can you believe it’s already June? Time really flies. Over the past 43 years, I’ve learned that we need to keep moving forward and adapt to life’s changes, or we’ll just end up wondering where all the time went. Today, I want to talk about something really important: the impact of fathers. Did you know June is Fatherhood Awareness Month?

Me and my two little ones (they are not little anymore)

The Role of Fathers in Child Development

Fatherhood is super important. Authors Lamb and Tamis-Lemonda wrote a book called The Role of the Father in Child Development. They talk about how fathers influence their kids in many ways. They also mention that most dads either try to be like their own dads or do the opposite based on their childhood experiences. Another study by Williams found that many people see fatherhood as mainly about providing money, but there are big cultural differences between generations.

My Personal Journey into Fatherhood

My journey into fatherhood started long before my kids, Noah and Naomi, were born. I was born in May 1981, and I was lucky to have both my parents around. They played different but important roles in my life. But my first example of what a father should be was my grandfather, the late Harrison Autry Durrah Jr.

My grandfather, my little brother Lemel, and myself playing in 1985

My grandfather was an amazing man. He was a father, grandfather, and community helper. Even though he passed away when I was young, he left a big mark on me. I still have a video from a flag football game in 1989 where you can hear his joy and support. It’s like he’s still with me.

My dad, Darnell Autry Durrah Sr., also played a big role. We didn’t always get along. My parents split up twice, once when I was in middle school and again in high school. The first time, I stayed with my dad; the second time, I went with my mom. I was angry and resentful for a long time. But now, as a father myself, I see things differently. Every story has two sides, and somewhere in the middle is the truth.

My father, my little brother, my older cousin, and myself in the 1980s

I’ve learned to give my dad grace and build a relationship that works for us. I’m proud of the man he has become. He inspired me to join the military, and his advice still guides me. One thing he told me was, “Son, you will grow old and raise and love your own children. You might always find someone with a child, or children, and you love on them as well.” He was right. My grandfather set that example, and I would be willing to do the same.

My Uncles Eugene and Lloyd and myself in Montgomery, Alabama, May 2005

My godfather, Mark, also helped shape my life. He showed me patience, introduced me to other great role models, and gave me lots of good advice. When I was about to drive from California to Alabama for college, he made sure I had everything I needed. He helped me prepare for life’s challenges.

My godfather Mark, and my two little brothers: Lemel and Eugene

The Broader Impact of Fatherhood

Fatherhood isn’t just about biological ties. Non-biological father figures, like stepfathers and godfathers, can have a huge impact too. While being a biological dad is important, the emotional and nurturing support from all father figures is invaluable.

Challenges and Realities of Fatherhood

Being a dad is tough. It requires constant self-improvement and emotional work. My kids often give me honest feedback, which helps me grow. As a father, I’ve faced many challenges and learned that it’s important to work on myself so I can be there for my kids in the best way possible. They remind me to be patient and communicate effectively, even when it’s hard.

Resources for Fathers

For those on their fatherhood journey, here are some helpful resources:

Conclusion

Fatherhood is a complex and important role that has a huge impact on children’s lives. During Fatherhood Awareness Month, and beyond, let’s appreciate and highlight the critical roles fathers and father figures play. Being a parent is tough, but with support, resources, and constant self-improvement, we can strive to be the best versions of ourselves for our children.

Remember, it takes a village to raise a child. As we navigate the joys and challenges of fatherhood, let’s support each other in this important journey.

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Congratulations to the Class of 2028

Simple words for some, but hearing those words, I thought to myself, “The audacity of her.” Her, referencing my daughter’s middle school principal. As of today, at 1:05 pm Pacific Standard Time, her former middle school principal. I have been reflecting all week, which culminated today, where did the time go? I still vividly remember holding her minutes after her birth, vowing to always be involved in her life. Now, she has an older brother, whom I am very much proud of and involved in his life as he graduated from the same phenomenal middle school two years ago. For some reason, I was not as emotional as I was today. Getting back to my daughter, my forever baby girl.

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Naomi enjoying soccer

Three years ago, my children and I were a year and a half removed from being reunited after my nine-month rotational deployment in Eastern Europe and six months before that, preparing for that deployment following leaving our previous assignment in Fairbanks, Alaska. So, in all, I was away from my two heartbeats for about a year and a half. I have to say, this was the most challenging time in my life thus far. I never want to be in that situation again. Meanwhile, moving here three years ago was an opportunity for us to find our rhythm as our three-person crew. Fast forward, our crew has had a good rhythm, and we’ve created our circle that has greatly contributed to where we are now.

Now, getting back to the class of 2028, as the former principal stated today. Well, three years ago, she loved basketball, chicken nuggets, Minecraft, Roblox, and spending uninterrupted time with Dad going to the movies, going out to eat, going for a drive, or even just watching TV. During the past three years, that 11-year-old is now 14. This 14-year-old now often reminds me how close she is to 18, how she should be learning how to drive, and ensuring to verbalize how annoying and frustrating I am to her. Waking up to loud music playing in their bathroom, usually on one of my missing Bluetooth devices, as she likes to say, is community property since we are a family and sharing is important. Even more of a realization is how she now places pickup orders from various retailers and lists me as an alternate for pickup. I usually ask her, who is the primary. Her reply, me and you driving me of course.

The last three years have been challenging, exhausting, rewarding, exciting, and today extremely emotional. Knowing that her graduation was this week, over the past few weeks, I had been asking my daughter what she wanted to wear. Her typical answer is either pajamas, basketball shorts, or sweats. My lovely daughter, right? So, on Monday, I had to find someone to get her hair done. The young lady that had been doing her hair moved and was not able to get to Naomi this week. It was understandable, especially given the drive and a few other factors. As a person of faith, I said, God, you will make a way. My favorite Bible verse is Romans 8:28.

A much younger Naomi

Come Tuesday evening, I had secured her hair appointment for Thursday and, of course, she wanted to get an outfit. So, both Wednesday and Thursday were spent driving to the mall and spending several hours trying to find the perfect outfit for her. Well, her idea of perfect. She told me to find a seat and she would let me know when she was ready for me to pay. I felt like either a sugar daddy or one of those spouses that sit in the mall while their significant other spends all their money. She is not my spouse, but she loves spending my money, lol. On Wednesday, we found the shoes she wanted and then Thursday after Ms. T of U.R. Loc’d finished her hair, we were back in the mall to find her shirt. I have to say, the village came through as well. As I was waiting to spend my money, the village was texting her to help her out.

The day before graduation, she says, “Dad, are you going to cry?” My response, no. Well, that was not the truth.

The morning of her 8th-grade graduation, I had a work-related task I needed to do, so that allowed me an opportunity to avoid the inevitable. I received a text message with some encouragement from a dear friend knowing that I would be emotional. I spoke with them prior to going to calm my nerves. They asked if I was wearing my sunglasses and I replied, “I was.” I walked into the gym, was handed a program, and took my seat. Once I sat down and opened the program, I saw my daughter’s name and I was immediately overcome with emotions. I had to leave. I told the principal and school counselor I was not going to make it. I went outside for fresh air, made a phone call, which helped, and then attempted to head back in. Once I walked back, the students were walking in and the smile I saw on my daughter’s face brought another set of emotions. Another parent attempted to chat with me for a minute, which I am glad he did. I eventually went back in and made it through the rest.

Once it was over and time for pictures, those emotions began to overwhelm me again. My daughter at this time was also crying. Seeing the love shared between my daughter and several of the staff was heartwarming. During the last three years, several staff members from this school have truly become part of our village. Even after the school day, several of these individuals have made themselves available to my daughter when needed. They have reassured me that things will be alright. Several of them have really become a part of our family for years to come. I will forever be grateful to the staff at the former middle school of both of my children. Although I write this blog with a heavy heart, my heart is filled with joy and admiration that I have experienced being a parent of the best middle school in the world that both my son and daughter had the privilege of attending.

As my daughter prepares for high school and returns to attending school with her older brother, I am sure challenges and excitement are in the future; however, I will take the next few days to enjoy the past three years.

I am sure her big brother feels this way now that his little sister is joining him again.

Are you a parent of a teenager going through a life transition? How have you handled it? I would love to hear your feedback on this blog and your own experience. Happy reading, everyone.